CHEMISTRY OR MYSTERY!

Hello Kola,

I received the comprehensive mail you sent to me. You wanted to know if the euphoric feelings you are having towards that girl is real. I can still remember the questions you asked in your mail; Am I in love? Could this be God?

Truth be told, there comes a time in life when you begin to feel the “tingle” for someone and I think you’ve come to that stage in your life. You are in the fifth and final year of your university education; you are not too young to start planning for your marriage. Any sincere adult will tell you that they also came to that stage of life. Your thoughts consistently revolve round that beautiful girl and sometimes your whole night is filled with her dream. You seem to have this gut feeling that you’ve finally found the one you’ve been looking for. You’ve fallen in love!

One good thing you’ve done was to write me; seeking counsel from an elder before you do anything about this love sickness. You’ve simply followed the wisdom of Solomon as recorded in the Proverbs; “For by wise counsel thou shalt make thy war: and in multitude of counselors there is safety.” (Proverbs 24:6). Most young singles of your age would rather subscribe to DIY (Do It Yourself) and end up shearing their own heart with the hot iron of passion. My purpose for writing you is to help you diagnose this euphoria. You’ll be able to determine for yourself whether that fussy feeling is chemistry or mystery. I’ll then prescribe some medicine for you from Scriptures.

Most of the time, those love chills you feel and the pitter-patter of the heart are chemical reactions. And chemicals are never stable; they change base on the reactants that induced the reactions. In other words, when your eyes look at a naturally endowed girl you have those funny feelings and signals are automatically sent to the dopaminergic subcortical system of your brain. The brain then releases floods of “feel-good or euphoria-inducing” chemicals (hormones) such as adrenalin and dopamine which are responsible for the internal elixir of love that you feel.

Your eyes give you a pleasant experience when you see her face, lips, hips, boobs or butt. It happens to ladies too when they see a tall, handsome, well-dressed and confident dude or when they see his six-pack, big triceps and biceps or hear his baritone. They feel excited and have this sensation they’ve found love. It’s all emotions. It is bound to change when you see someone with superior features. Such chemical reactions cannot stand the challenges of marriage.

While the euphoric gut feelings may accompany a genuine conviction to begin a marital relationship with someone, you need to be sure it’s not mere infatuation else you will be building your marriage on a flimsy foundation and skin-deep feelings. As a matter of fact, it could be that you’ve been infected with lust.

You marriage should be based on something deeper than chemistry – mystery. By mystery, I do not mean sophistication. It implies that your falling in love will be God at work in you both to will and to do of His good pleasure. The Holy Ghost Himself shedding the love of your wife-to-be in your heart. You have this constant witness in your heart that she is indeed the one. It will not be strange because He has been speaking to you on other issues of life and you’ve mastered how He speaks to you. It’s not because you’re scrambling all around test-running ladies but because God Himself is tweaking your heartstrings towards that lady.

Solomon describes it like this;

There are three things too wonderful for me to understand-no, four! How an eagle glides through the sky. How a serpent crawls upon a rock. How a ship finds its way across the heaving ocean. The growth of love between a man and a girl. (Proverbs 30:18-19TLB)

Solomon said he doesn’t understand how love grows in the heart of a man towards a girl. It’s why it is a mystery. Paul plainly called marriage a mystery in Ephesians 5:30-31. This is why you want to be sure the euphoric feelings you’re having originates from the one who can explain mysteries – God.

My prescription for young adults who are thinking of marriage is to take the Isaac road in making their choice. He completely handed over his choice to God. Some folks are of the opinion that God’s choice will not be pleasing to you. That’s a lie from the pit of hell. Rebecca was one of the most beautiful women mentioned in the Scriptures. Kings were “toasting” her as an old woman. That tells you how pretty she was. She was pulchritude! It seems as if the older she grows, the prettier she becomes.

The servant that was sent to cast the lot for Isaac didn’t handle it casually. He started with heartfelt and sincere prayers (Go and read Genesis 24 and you’ll see the whole story). This is why you also have to pray sincerely about these goose bumps and hear the verdict of your heavenly Father. When Rebecca appeared, the matter wasn’t primarily her beauty but whether the Lord had prospered his way. He would later discover that Rebecca was from the lineage of Abraham, his master.

Within days, Isaac was married. The whole process was without stress. Rebecca would later become a woman of great value to Isaac. Most women would rather go the hospital for an ultrasound today if they have a case similar to that of Rebecca. She, however, went to the Lord for the ultimate sound and God told her the destiny of her kids before they were born. Her spiritual vitality leveraged Isaac’s spiritual degeneration towards his old age. When Isaac would have placed the blessing on the wrong person, she intervened.

The Jacob’s road to marital choice is gruesome! It is full of potholes and gullies; stress and struggles. On such roads, accident is inevitable. This was probably because Jacob based his marital choice on chemistry. Physical attraction is important but that’s not all there is to marriage. Instead of inquiring from God, Jacob began his inquiry from men (Read the complete story in Genesis 29). When Rachel appeared, it was love at first sight. Rachel was stunningly beautiful and Jacob couldn’t resist it. He was immediately gripped. Love butterflies invaded his belly. He couldn’t restrain himself from crying and kissing her. It was all emotions. And isn’t that the same thing young adults do today in relationships – caressing and canoodling one another when they’ve not made any marital commitment?

Jacob would later enroll in seven years of servitude to get the same thing his father got in few days. The Scripture specifically told us that “…Israel served for a wife, and for a wife he kept sheep.” (Hosea 12:12). You don’t want to start a life of servitude because you want to marry. Even then, Jacob was tricked on the wedding day. He was given someone else. He was so much in haste. He had no time to crosscheck the one under the veil. I stand to be corrected but I am of the opinion that God was at work when Rachel was replaced with Leah. The same Laban who duped Jacob was present at Rebecca’s wedding in Genesis 24. He was part of those who affirmed that her marriage proceeded from the Lord. And it seems to me that Laban didn’t have the same conviction about Jacob’s choice.

The pretty Rachel would later turn out to be a liar, a thief and an idolater. She stole her father’s gods when they were leaving. I can assure you that all you present euphoric feelings will disappear in the face of critical character defects in a woman. Ask Jacob and he would tell you how he felt the day Rachel insisted he must give him children. Rachel remains the only one who slept outside the sepulcher of the saints. She was buried on the way. The unloved Leah was with Jacob until his old age. She slept side by side with Jacob in that sepulcher and produced most of Jacob’s children.

The point I am making is simple: subject your feelings to prayer. Let God guide you. He promised to instruct and teach you in the way you should go. He said He would guide you if you allow Him (Psalm 32:8-9). Nothing else in this life will impact your destiny either positively or negatively like marriage. It’s why you need to be prayerful and patient. May the Lord guide you into His perfect will for your life. Amen!

Your Uncle,

SIOB.